[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
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Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
こいつ天才
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.