i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
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I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
emergency phone
Husband of the year 😂
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.