I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
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Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me