[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
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My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.