Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
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When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Basketball games are very squeaky.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead