Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
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Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.