“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
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Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Muppet Screams
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though