Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
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The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.