Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
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Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth