Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
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9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)