Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
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[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.