someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
You Might Also Like
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
*bites zombie*
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs