I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
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So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Try and stop me.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son