[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
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me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?