Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
You Might Also Like
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Wait a minute…
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.