4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
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“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.