I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
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WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
peeping toms
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.