wish me luck lads
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PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”