Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
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Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Ovenable?
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
When your parents check you’re ok.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.