As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
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“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Is this a threat?
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people