satan: not today, microsoft teams
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Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room