Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
You Might Also Like
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
My inexpensive home security system…
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…