Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
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If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.