*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
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Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*