I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
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Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Check out the legs on this baby
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Every time.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.