The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
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me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?