An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
You Might Also Like
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind