I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
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Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Planet of the Apps.
🤣could you imagine
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.