HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
You Might Also Like
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
This is always good for a laugh.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic