going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
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The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
the three branches of government
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
they finally got him. they got macavity
🛁
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Don’t forget to tip your server
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.