Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
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He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”