Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
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Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
❤️🦆
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?