This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
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Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me