3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
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the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
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I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.