*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
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When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming