What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
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Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Crying is a sign of leakness.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.