Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
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date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
And that about sums it up.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
where’s Godzilla when we need him
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.