5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
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Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.