Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
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This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
What
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent