What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
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My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.