Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
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Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Body by Oreos
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring