Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
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If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
I’m giving up ice.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
same bro
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.