My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
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I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.