Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
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everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Classic German Shepherd 😂
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal