Good morning, Twitter 😊
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I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
mentally somewhere in italy
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?