My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
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I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.