IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
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To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.