[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
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He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
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Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.