[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
You Might Also Like
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Strangers have the best candy.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.