Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
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Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️